How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
