dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
