i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
