I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
