if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize