do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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