I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
