Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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