New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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