You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
