alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
