FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
