if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
