I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
