New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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