What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Sober January is a disaster.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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