I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize