I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
