I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
sarcasm needs its own font
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
