Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
