Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
