he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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