"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
