before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
