Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
