sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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