I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
