The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
