dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
