I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
