you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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