So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
