how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
