I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
