Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
