its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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