We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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