Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
