Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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