I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
