My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
