he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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