I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
