Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
