i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
