I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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