We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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