Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
