JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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