I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
