Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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