I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
