woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
