I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
