i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
