You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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