you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
