I wish I could punch you in the face.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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