mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
