can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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