my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
