This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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