omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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