just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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