Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize